In which questions are answered. This got long.

[dira]

Here's my list of fifteen characters:



In order: Lord Ivan Vorpatril; Bob Bryar; Lord Mark Vorkosigan; Gwen Cooper; Lady Ekaterin Nile Vorvane Vorsoisson Vorkosigan (which is to say Ekaterin, Lady Vorkosigan, not Lady Ekaterin); The (Tenth) Doctor; Lord Peter Death Bredon Wimsey; Captain Jack Harkness; Pete Wentz; Ianto Jones; Gerard Way; Illya Kuryakin; Patrick Stump; Donna Noble; Napoleon Solo.

And without further ado, on to the questions.

From missmollyetc: 3, 7, and 12 fall in love, how does this happen and when?

Ahahahahha. Okay. So that’s Lord Mark Vorkosigan, Lord Peter Wimsey, and Illya Kuryakin. Let me just say right now: THEIR LOVE IS ACTUALLY SO PURE.

Molly, I am quite sure you’re familiar with Illya and Lord Peter, but they are actually the EASY ones in this scenario.

A thumbnail sketch of Lord Mark, for anyone not familiar: he was born (roughly one thousand years from now) a clone of Lord Miles Vorkosigan, who was then six years old and the child of the Regent of a triplanetary empire. Lord Mark (who did not then have a name of his own) was raised to be a perfect duplicate of Lord Miles, including many torturous medical procedures intended to simulate Miles’s assorted physical imperfections, including an adult height of about four feet nine inches. Mark was programmed to be able to replace Miles—so he has an encyclopedic knowledge of Miles’s early life and a rough replica of Miles’s education and training—in order to kill Miles’s father--so he’s also been trained as an assassin. At the age of twenty-three, Miles managed to avoid being replaced by 17-year-old Mark, and in doing so bestowed upon him the name his younger brother would traditionally have had: Mark Pierre Vorkosigan. Several years later, Mark assumed Miles’s identity to attempt to pull off an enormous and faintly noble criminal operation; it went horribly wrong, to the point of getting Miles killed, and it was under these circumstances that Mark first met Miles’s parents, who steadfastly assured him that they were his parents as well—and more to the point, Mark is their heir, with all the responsibilities that implies. Mark is inspired by these circumstances to go and find and rescue Miles (only mostly dead), but Miles is left with permanent, ultimately career-ending, neurological damage. Mark, having suffered highly expert torture in the process of rescuing Miles, is left with four alternate personalities in addition to his Lord Mark self (Grunt, Gorge, Howl, and Killer – an indiscriminate sex addict, a compulsive binge-eater, a masochist, and … Killer). When it’s all over, Mark remains adopted by the Vorkosigan family as Miles’s six-years-younger twin brother, meets a really nice virginal girl who is a friend of the family, practically a baby foster-sister to Miles; he is now off at school (and therapy) at a very great distance from the family but handily close to Kareen, and is a successful businessman as long as he doesn’t actually have to deal with customers. He tends to terrify customers.
/TL;DR

SO. Let me just say: Mark, Peter, and Illya are involved in three-way correspondence about music and/or rare books. If discussion occasionally strays into matters of, say, spy-work and the violence which is sometimes associated with same, well, they keep it pretty discreet. Still, they all feel they understand one another--quite well, in fact, sometimes in ways that no one else seems to. Sometimes in rather unexpected ways.

When they finally decide to give into their--entirely pure and intellectual--passion for one another and meet for the first time, all three face to face, there is a bit of awkwardness at first. Mark is not, even with all he’s practiced, as graceful in social situations as either Peter or Illya; still, they are both graceful enough to make up the difference, and he soon remembers that these are the same men he’s been in contact with for ages, and that they really have understood what he was saying and really do quite… quite like him.

(It is nonetheless an unavoidable fact that each of them reminds him somewhat of someone he knows and has a not-uncomplicated relationship to: Peter is reminiscent in certain mannerisms of an older version of his progenitor-twin-brother Miles, while Illya bears an odd, striking physical resemblance to Simon Illyan, the Head of Imperial Security under his father’s administration--another man he was meant to assassinate if he could.)

If there is any physical aspect to the relationship, it arises between Illya and Mark, and is evident to Peter long before either one is independently aware of the attraction; if he judges it reasonably safe for all involved, he may well shepherd them gently toward one another--Illya is sufficiently well-trained in hand-to-hand combat to survive any missteps with Mark and, well, Mark does like his not-over-tall blonds.

But mostly I think they write each other letters about music and books and war, and there it remains.

As to when, uh, whenever they manage to get in touch across the obvious space-time divides. And now, MOVING ON.

From darthfox, Two, Four, Six, Eight -- who is the last one standing when they are all driven to drink?

Bob Bryar, Gwen Cooper, The Tenth Doctor, and Captain Jack Harkness walk into a bar…

It’s tempting to say that Jack wins, of course; he’s Jack. But you’ll note he nearly always sticks to water, in canon. Who do we see him drink with? Captain John Hart. So I’m going to say that while Jack is not actually under the table, he’s the first to forfeit the competition because, once reasonably hammered, he wanders off to pick fights/drunk dial ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends/Ianto/random Heads of State.

Bob Bryar is first under the table, is my guess; sure he’s a rock star drummer, but his band’s been somewhere pretty near the straight and narrow ever since he joined it, and now they’re all getting to be grownups, and he’s been a little out of practice what with being off-tour due to the wrist and all. He manages to keep focused long enough to protect himself from Jack’s increasingly-wandering hands, but once Jack’s gone, he manages maybe another round and then he’s out. Like a light.

Which just leaves Gwen Cooper facing down the Doctor. At this point I assume they switch to drinking banana daquiris, get cheerfully completely wasted, and pass out in a heap together; neither can actually remember or verify who passed out first.

Shortly after they do, though, Bob’s cell phone goes off, and he gets up and staggers out the door to get to sound check. No one can tell anything is wrong all through the show, except that he is possibly slightly less grumpy than usual.

Jack wanders back long enough to take several incriminating photos of Gwen and the Doctor and then trundle them off home. So, indeed, Jack probably wins.

From ellen_fremedon: 5 and 9 go into business together. What do they do, and how does it go?

Ah, the glorious business partnership of Pete Wentz and Ekaterin, Lady Vorkosigan. I gather they are doing avant-garde but surprisingly elegant landscape design, virally marketed and associated with several other side-projects of Pete’s, though Ekaterin’s artistic vision is never compromised.

I would assume that they pretty much take over the world. Of landscape design.

From etakyma: one and five - bff or enemies for life? Tell us why.

Oh, man. Well. Let me tell you about the deep and meaningful bff-ship of Lord Ivan Vorpatril and Lady Ekaterin Vorkosigan.

For those not familiar with the characters: it is accurate, though not really sufficient, to say that Ekaterin is married to Ivan’s favorite cousin--nearly a foster-brother--and has made the man happy after thirty years when it seemed as if he might never be. Ivan adores Ekaterin not merely because all the lovely, healthy children she and Miles will have will stand between Ivan and a lot of things he never wants to inherit, but because she makes Miles really, deeply, genuinely, honestly happy. (And somewhere down below that thought where Ivan does not articulate things: because Miles is safe with her.)

So Ivan will happily take Ekaterin shopping, or dig in the dirt with her, or ensure she’s as up to date as humanly possible on all the Capitol gossip; he will be a loving uncle to all her children, Miles’s stepson Nikki included.

Ekaterin is initially a little wary of Ivan, just because he’s such a debonair man-about-town sort--though she emphatically does not blame him for his role in the Infamous Dinner Party. She can’t help but be in some degree of sympathy with anyone who is as fond of Miles as Ivan is, especially when the feeling is obviously mutual.

She does, however, remark with some outrage to Miles upon the way people all tend to underestimate or ignore Ivan; Miles smiles and points out to her that it’s not really a favor to a man in camouflage to stand over him broadcasting his position and demanding honors for him.

Ekaterin says, "Ah."

Miles says, "I should have known you’d spot him--you’re birds of a feather, aren’t you? All that protective coloration."

So Ekaterin tries not to take too much advantage of Ivan, and scrupulously does not introduce him to women she thinks he might like. She, of all people, understands.

From stasha2g: Six's answers to 'Fuck/Marry/Push of a Cliff' regarding 2, 12 and 14.

So here’s The Tenth Doctor, standing on a cliff with Bob Bryar, Illya Kuryakin, and Donna Noble.

Either Bob or Illya, being a guest-character, would be an acceptable loss, so if he’s absolutely forced to push someone off a cliff it will be one of them, probably, oh… let’s say Illya, who may volunteer because he’s got a few ideas of his own about how to survive the fall. He’s got fifty-fifty odds of being rescued by the Doctor, anyway.

And, ahaha, if we’ve seen "Journey’s End" we all know Donna gets fucked! (I kid, I kid because I love.) (Seriously, though, he would so shag Donna.)

Which, awkwardly, leaves marriage and Bob Bryar. It is possible that at this point the Doctor will reinterpret the rules of the game and marry Bob to either Donna or Illya, or possibly both if Bob is into that and neither of them object too much.

So Illya, then.

From reginagiraffe: 7 and 9 go to Italy together. What do they see and does the romance of Italy make them fall in love?

Okay, so, uh, Lord Peter Death Bredon Wimsey finds himself on holiday in Italy with this fascinating and bizarre American celebrity by the unlikely name of Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz.

I think Pete allows Lord Peter to direct the trip--which Pete blogs more or less constantly, posting pictures throughout the day and his thoughts at night when sane people would be sleeping. They see a lot of art, a lot of architecture, and more bookstores than you might imagine possible. Pete really quite enjoys it all, and Lord Peter is tolerant of his tendency to wander off and have adventures on his own from time-to-time. Bunter--obviously Bunter is there--keeps track of Pete through the GPS in one or more of his cell phones, so they’re able to retrieve him when he gets himself into scrapes. An excellent--and thoroughly platonic--time is had by all.

From iuliamentis: Twelve, 13, 14 and 15 are forced to take a road trip together. Is anyone alive at the end of it, and more importantly, who gets to control the radio/iPod?

Illya Kuryakin, Patrick Stump, Donna Noble, and Napoleon Solo are in a car together. Obviously Illya and Napoleon are actually on some sort of job, and Patrick and Donna have somehow gotten mixed up in it, and now they are driving cross-country together. Patrick insists on controlling the stereo. Illya drives, and the two of them talk music for long stretches, while Napoleon keeps Donna company in the back seat. He’s got her totally charmed, and also gets a very accurate read on her likely usefulness in a crisis (high, if she can be convinced to share his confidence in her). When the inevitable hijinks ensue, Donna comes through like you know she would, and she, Illya, and Napoleon succeed in protecting Patrick from harm; so yes, everyone comes out in one piece.

From mrsquizzical: 3 and 8 are secretly in love. 3 braves up and tries to tell 8. 8 misunderstands and thinks 3 is asking on behalf of 6, so is letting them down gently. what happens?

Ooh, how very Shakespearean! So Lord Mark Vorkosigan has finally gotten up the nerve to tell Captain Jack Harkness how he feels, only Jack thinks he’s asking on behalf of the Doctor, who he’s not interested in (like that) because he’s really in love with Mark, so he’s letting Mark down gently…

Mark pretty much clams up as soon as things start going south, and starts looking for an escape route from the whole situation so he can go to a grocery store, buy up his body weight in ice cream, and hole up in a dark room for a few days until he looks precisely as repellant as he feels. He will possibly spend some of this time plotting how to kill the Doctor.

Luckily, Jack is clever and perceptive-when-he-chooses-to-be, and spots that he’s made a mistake almost at once, so he casts himself upon Mark’s mercy and confesses to his own feelings, which leaves Mark with that stunned look on his face, like he was in the middle of trying to defuse a bomb when it suddenly transformed into a shiny pile of gold.

And then they have a lot of sex, much of it really quite kinky.

A whole string from browngirl: 2, 7, and 14 are asked to babysit a 9 month old. What happens? Who resorts to duct tape [first]? What if it's a 2 year old?

So somebody has asked Bob Bryar, Lord Peter Wimsey, and Donna Noble to babysit.

Donna immediately announces that she’s not being put in charge of the baby just because she’s the woman, Lord Peter calmly assures her that of course she isn’t, and sends for Bunter, and in the meantime Bob rolls his eyes and picks up the baby. She’s not even crying yet, honestly. Donna immediately finds Bob irresistibly attractive; the baby meanwhile finds Bob’s lip ring irresistibly attractive. Bob probably starts threatening to use the duct tape--on Donna, not the baby--but Lord Peter intervenes and successfully distracts her.

If a two-year-old, I think Lord Peter wisely once again realizes that he’s out of his depth and sends for Bunter; both Donna and Bob are inclined to try to reason with a child old enough to talk, so this situation is much more likely to end in duct tape. On the other hand, Bob has wrangled alcoholic rock stars without inappropriate use of adhesive (that we know of) so he may be able to keep his cool here as well.

What meal would you cook for 13?

Wow, so I’m cooking for Patrick Stump…

First I would need to ascertain if he’s in one of his periodic vegetarian phases; if yes, I will cook for him whatever misspamela tells me to. If not, he’s probably getting beef stroganoff or pizza.

What meal would 1 cook for you?

I’ve been invited to dinner by Ivan Vorpatril, and when I arrive at his flat I smell something delicious, meat-oriented, and deeply Barrayaran. Although Ivan is sufficiently discreet that I will not actually find the tins in the trash, odds are pretty good that he cooked it in the sense of, at most, heating it up; possibly only in the sense of paying for it and putting it on plates.

15 falls off a bridge. What happens?

Napoleon Solo falls off a bridge… and then we go to commercial break. When we get back he is fine, although soaking wet. If he was bound in some fashion when he went over, odds are even that he still is.

Why was 9 arrested?

Pete Wentz was arrested because somebody talked shit about Ashlee or Patrick to his face, and he hauled off and hit them. And then some asshole called the cops about it.

Does 3 like boats?

Lord Mark Vorkosigan replies, warily, that he doesn’t dislike boats, thank you. Still trying to assess your reason for asking, he reports that he can, of course, handle a sailboat or skimmer--though anything with oars is a bit tricky, due to his height--and he is a very strong swimmer. Now why are you asking him about boats?

Does 5 like 6?

You know, I think were Lady Ekaterin Vorkosigan ever to meet The Tenth Doctor, she would find herself rather reminded of her husband; so yes, she would like him, while also scanning the area for available cover.

Which of the others on the list would 12 most likely kill, and why?

Illya Kuryakin would most likely kill…

I’d like to say Jack Harkness, so they could have a good laugh about it later on, when it all turned out to be a big misunderstanding. Lord Mark is probably the likeliest to run afoul of an agency like UNCLE, though--and of course Illya’s motive for killing just about anybody would be strictly professional.

(I mean, unless this is an Illya who was grown in a vat/specially programmed by the KGB before being sent into UNCLE, in which case he is most likely to kill Napoleon, when his secret orders activate. But that would be depressing.)

Does 8 share any fandoms with you?

Captain Jack Harkness is, in fact, the world’s universe’s biggest Doctor Who fanboy.

From chelletoo: 1, 7 & 14 go on a road trip. Where are they going and which one gets left behind/thrown out of the car because of attitude?

Okay, so now Lord Ivan Vorpatril, Lord Peter Wimsey, and Donna Noble are in a car together…

No one gets left behind. Ivan and Peter are simply too gentlemanly to contemplate leaving a woman behind, even if Donna should happen to get on their nerves. Ivan and Peter might each contemplate ditching the other—Ivan so that he could make a proper move on Donna, Peter because he finds Ivan’s intentions inappropriate--but each one is a pretty solid match for the other, so neither would ever get the upper hand sufficiently.

If anyone’s getting ditched, actually, it’s Donna dumping both of them on the roadside so she can have a bit of peace and quiet, thank you.

From shihadchick, a follow-up question: Fourteen crashed his/her car. Why is it seven's fault, and what is nine going to have to do to get them all out of trouble?

Donna has crashed her car, and it is Lord Peter’s fault… probably because he distracted her, with all the talking. Alternately she has crashed the car after abandoning him, and it’s his fault because he has distracted her by reminding her a bit of someone--someone who also never shut up--and she just cannot remember who.

Pete Wentz will show up to save the day by a) still being under Bunter’s surveillance [see above] and thus summoning competent, quiet assistance by his mere presence, or b) making a blog-post which summons fans to pick Donna up and help her get the car fixed, and keeping Donna entertained until help arrives, and possibly also offering her a job.

Still shihadchick: Who would be the worst person to have to share a hotel room with?

Confined space, possibility of intimacy and/or vulnerability? Lord (deliver me from) Mark Vorkosigan.

Could eight and three ever wind up at some kind of costume party together, and what would they be dressed as?

Captain Jack Harkness and Lord Mark Vorkosigan, in costume. Clearly this is all part of the Shakespearean scenario, above, when Jack and Mark are fumbling their way toward acknowledging their feelings for each other. They are doing so at a masked ball of some sort; both of them are wearing their own clothes plus a domino, Mark because he rejects the possibility of disguising himself (as anyone but possibly his brother, and that would be obscene, all things considered) and Jack because, really, you can’t improve on perfection and you wouldn’t want to hide it.

Subsequently, they are dressed as naked people having quite a lot of sex.

From indywind: 11's favorite fandom?

Gerard Way’s favorite fandom--man, I feel sure there’s a canonical answer to this. Harry Potter? Lord of the Rings? Or maybe he’s just waiting for Yuletide and praying for Catcher in the Rye fic?

From reginagiraffe: What is 10's favorite sex toy? Does he enjoy sharing it with 1?

Ianto Jones gets a question at last! Ianto is a man of fairly simple tastes, I think; I suspect his favorite sex toy, when you get right down to it, is Jack Harkness. If the matter were handled appropriately—and particularly if Ianto was assured that everyone was shortly to be returned to his appropriate century—Ianto might quite enjoy sharing Jack with Ivan. And I’m sure Ivan would have a really surprisingly excellent time, too.

Several from suaine: 4 and 7 find themselves stuck in an enclosed space (elevator, coffin, closet, etc.). Do they get it on?

Gwen Cooper and Lord Peter Wimsey are trapped in an enclosed space: no, no they do not get it on, but they do wind up having quite a stimulating conversation while Lord Peter keeps Gwen distracted from the incipient claustrophobia/imminent death.

5, 8, 9 and 1 are on a boat, sailing around minding their own business. They get sucked into a dimensional rift and end up in a different universe. Which of them becomes the new emperor? Which of them organizes the rebellion against them? Which of them can't stop thinking of home? Which of them never wants to go back? Also, orgy?

Lady Ekaterin Vorkosigan, Captain Jack Harkness, Pete Wentz, and Lord Ivan Vorpatril…

First things first: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL IVAN BE MADE EMPEROR OF ANYTHING, THANK YOU. If Pete cheerfully and accidentally gets himself made emperor, Jack will depose him; if Jack, Pete will play a significant role in the populist uprising. Ekaterin and Ivan are busy figuring out how to get home, though once he’s seen the others safely through, Ivan might be rather tempted to stay.

Ivan and Jack totally get it on; Pete and Jack both attempt to flirt with Ekaterin, who doesn’t notice either of them.

10 and 13 are in a relationship. How do they deal with it when one of them falls in love with 2? And does 2 have a choice?

So Ianto Jones and Patrick Stump are together when Patrick’s old friend Bob comes to visit. Ianto immediately falls for Bob, which is sort of ironic because Bob’s always had this thing for Patrick of which Patrick has always been impenetrably unaware. Love-triangle hijinks ensue, ending happily with all of them in bed together. In retrospect, Bob is not altogether certain he had any choice in the matter, but he doesn’t really mind.

15 and 3 are fighting. Who would win? Why are they going at each other? And does it lead to sex?

Napoleon Solo vs. Lord Mark Vorkosigan. If it’s an all-out physical fight, dude, sorry, Napoleon is dead. So dead. Possibly this is why Illya has to kill Mark, above. They are probably going after each other due to a tragic misunderstanding—Mark is doing something well-intentioned but technically illegal, Napoleon has been sent to stop him, aware that he’s dealing with a violent and unstable individual, and leapt to some rather ugly conclusions.

It does not lead to sex, because even Grunt is not into the necrophilia, man.

6, 11, 12 and 14 are in a band. 6 is dating 12. 14 hates everyone, because they are secretly in love with 11, who only wants to play music, dammit. What's their first album called?

The Doctor, Gerard Way, Illya Kuryakin, and Donna Noble are in a band. The Doctor is dating Illya (to all outward appearances, they have yet to advance beyond holding hands). Donna hates everyone because she is secretly in love with Gerard, who only wants to play music, dammit (um… terrifyingly plausible).

Their first album is called You Brought Me Your Bananas, I Brought You My Love.

1-5, 6-10 and 11-15 are facing each other in some kind of competition. What is it? Is there blood? Who wins? And what's the prize?

For reasons that don’t need exploring at this juncture, all of our heroes have formed into teams for a sheep-to-shawl competition. They are:

Team A: Lord Ivan Vorpatril, Bob Bryar, Lord Mark Vorkosigan, Gwen Cooper, Lady Ekaterin Vorkosigan.

Team B: The Doctor, Pete Wentz, Captain Jack Harkness, Lord Peter Wimsey, Ianto Jones

Team C: Gerard Way, Illya Kuryakin, Patrick Stump, Donna Noble, Napoleon Solo

Team A is disqualified when Lord Mark attempts to bribe the judges; Team B is disqualified when The Doctor is caught bending space and time to learn how to shear a sheep inside the three-hour limit. Team C wins for best team spirit and best song written about the experience, even though their shawl consists of a big pile of raw wool (dude, don’t tell me Illya Kuryakin can’t shear a sheep, okay) but the actual winners are probably the sheep. Or the teams that actually succeed in making shawls, after Lord Peter Wimsey and Lord Mark Vorkosigan maneuver each other into bidding outrageous sums of money on them in the subsequent auction.

The only blood drawn is in a fistfight between Lord Mark and Bob Bryar, after the team was disqualified; it might have been much worse, but the rest of the team intervened to break up the fight.


From rubynye: If 10 were to develop a[nother] superpower, what would it be?

Ianto Jones gets a superpower…

If his superpower is determined by the ferocity with which he wishes for it, it’s probably something quite useful like the ability to force people to make their own coffee, or the ability to make people take him seriously, or the ability to harness Rift energy to shoot frickin’ laserbeams from his eyes, which would probably accomplish both of the above AND allow him to vaporize aliens who distract Jack when they’re supposed to be on a date. And it would make taking out the trash much easier, too.

Of course, it’s Torchwood, so he would probably get a totally rubbish superpower, like being able to hear people’s thoughts, or not dying when he’s dead, or being able to talk to fish.

Yeah. Ianto Jones: Aquaman. You heard it here first.

From shayheyred What did 10 do to deserve being shunned?

Well, to be honest, it was probably that thing where he kept his cyberwoman girlfriend in the basement and she killed some people and almost restarted the whole cyberman invasion. If I had to guess.