well is that all.

[dira]

So it occurred to me that I'm flipping out kind of a lot over trying (trying is the operative word) to write Aral Vorkosigan slash with the intent of having other people read it and so on - if I have not frantically accosted you on IM to tell you all about it you are a) lucky! or b) my brother! or possibly both. I was having one of those conversations in my head where I try to articulate what my deal is, and I realized:

I read Barrayar when I was about twelve, and Shards of Honor at thirteen.

Aral Vorkosigan was probably my introduction to the very idea of bisexuality.

And that's without even getting into my larger relationship to the Vorkosigan books: The Vor Game was the third SF novel I ever read and the one that convinced me I wanted to keep reading science fiction and therefore, down the line, to write it. The Vorkosigan books were my first truly serious fandom and that fandom kindly raised me from a, ahem, really poorly socialized fifteen-year-old into, well, a much less poorly socialized twentysomething. I dressed as a Dendarii Mercenary for Halloween at school my sophomore year of high school, wearing a set of grays my mom made for me, modeled from the hand-drawn sketch on the bottom of a letter I received from Lois Bujold after writing the most gracelessly thirteen-year-old fan letter imaginable. I kept her letter on my bedroom wall until I moved out of my parents' house. The first time I went to a con of any kind it was to see Lois Bujold as a GoH. I spent at least five solid years starting conversations with "There was this conversation on the List" because there was only one mailing list I could possibly be talking about. (I didn't aspire so high as to be Cordelia when I grew up; I wanted to be commodorified.) I spent years in a community of people who referred to the author unironically as Her Ladyship, and I will still use Herself to people who know who I mean. I don't think there are words to express how much I wouldn't be who I am without those books and the people who love them.


So, uh. Essentially what I am saying is that I am writing pornfiction of my own personal sacred foundational text. And apparently that's daunting.

Comments

[themeletor]

i still aspire to be commodorifed when i grow up. i think it is a common ailment.

[dira]

I just can't figure out why she doesn't believe any of us about it. :)

[commodorified]

Because being dira and themeletor are such splendid things and I am in awe of what a fantastic pair of women you are?

Also I am PRESENTLY VERY VERY RED FACED

[dira]

*grins*

Well, you know--to split an only slightly alarmingly compartmentalized hair--the ambition to be Marna predated by a few years the very absorbing occupation of being Dira, which has indeed cured me of wanting to be anyone else. Or more of them than I am already. :)

[fairestcat]

There is a LINE! I keep telling you! (I believe I had this conversation with technocracygirl at one point too.)

I, for one, no longer have much of a desire to be you when I grow up. Being in love with you turned out to be even better.

[pecunium]

Because if she were the sort to believe that sort of thing, you wouldn't want to be her when you grow up.

Try pondering whom she wants to be when she grows up.

[commodorified]

I used to want to be Marie Francoise Guedon. Or Emma Thompson.

Now I want to be Emma Goldman.

[pecunium]

You may be happy to know I don't want to be you when I grow up.

[commodorified]

Since when do you want to grow up?

[commodorified]

I'm pretty sure that Marie-Francoise wants to be ,a href='http://www.fredericadelaguna.com/"> Freddie de Laguna. And so it goes ...

I guess I should stop with the blusherie bulshit and learn to wear it as an honour. It's surprisingly hard.

[dira]

Well, yes.

Being not eighteen anymore has also moved me along toward other ambitions. :)

[commodorified]

You know there are 18 year olds out there now who want to grow up to be Dira, right?

[dira]

Ahhahahahaha ohdear. Well. Much good may it do 'em, I guess. :)

[commodorified]

*cackles evilly* See, this is how it works.

Congratulations, dearheart: you're a role model.

[dira]

Goodness. Is that what seven years of steady porn-writing does to a person? If only my mother had leveled that threat... :)

[parhelion]

You can do this! I worshiped Bujold and somehow got drafted into writing Aral/Simon for Yuletide by someone we both know and it went okay! You are as good and likely a better writer than I am! You can do this!

[dira]

Right?! So I was all like I CAN DO THIS! I HAVE READ AND GREATLY ENJOYED ARAL/SIMON PORN! IT IS A-OK IN MY BRAIN!

But apparently it is in fact pretty tricky, in my brain. :)

Still, I just cracked 1100 words, so we're slowly but surely getting somewhere...

[parhelion]

I found the trick was to keep firmly in mind when I was trying to get myself to write how DEEPLY and PROFOUNDLY I respected Cordelia and her prowess, and her loving relationship with Aral, and the incredible, mad, sexy lust between them and, uh, yeah...

Then I'd take a deep breath and remind myself how Bujold gives her protagonists other intimate and affectionate sexual relationships besides their main events all the time, as per the love life of Miles. Her characters are adults, with adult histories, even when they do end up with almost soul mates. That helped.

(Am I the only one who's wistfully wondering if there will be something between Armsman Roic and the local lad named Jin in the next book? Scratch this if Jin turns out to be, oh, I don't know, seven or something.)

[dira]

Yeah, I think I read something somewhere which suggests that Jin is younger than fair game, alas. But surely there could be some handsome young non-POV character for Roic to make, ahem, friends with? Surely?

And, yeah, I really am not having any kind of interpersonal qualms about it at all (I mean, a) I am writing Aral/Jack Harkness, and Jack is a law unto himself, and b) this is set before Cordelia has even come on the scene--if Aral is cheating on anyone at all it's Ges and obviously that can only be a good thing...) it's just ... daunting.

Mind you, if I get around to writing the OTHER Aral slash I want to write, set during Vor Game...

[ellen_fremedon]

Do you need pom-poms? Brass bands? Dancing boys, foot rubs, grape-peeling? Because I will give you whatever you need to make this story happen.

[dira]

Gin seems to help a bit, actually. And figuring out WHY I was hitting the OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING wall quite so hard also seems to have helped. So... a few hundred words tonight, and I think I'm starting to get somewhere. :)

[parhelion]

Yay!

(The Vor Game? Now I'm allll curious.)

[dira]

I, honestly, every time I read Vor Game, for all, what, fifteen pages Aral is actually on-page - if that? - every time I read it I become more determined to write Aral slash. And apparently this last reread was the one to drive me right over the edge. *facepalm*

[oliviacirce]

No shit it is daunting! I tried once and it was an epic failure. All things considered, though, there really aren't a lot of people I would trust to do it right, and you're definitely on the list.

Also, do feel free to hit me up on chat if you want to talk about it some more. Or need more pom-pom waving, whatever. ♥

[dira]

Well, I'm honored! And have swung back around to feeling like I can do this, for whatever that's worth.

But I will totally find you on IM sometime, um, if our periods of wakefulness overlap. :)

[ekaterina]

it was the same for me--my foundational text--i tested the worthiness of people to be my friends by shoving copies of those first two books at them and seeing how they reacted. i would give my left arm for a novel just about aral and cordelia's adventures as the viceroy and vicerienne, and adore the fandom. my best friend gave me an autographed first edition of shards for my twenty-first birthday. IT IS SO GOOD TO HEAR SOMEONE ELSE SAY THEY FELT THIS WAY ABOUT THESE BOOKS, and have this odd love/transgression relationship with slash about them. (my personal problem with aral slash is that my father and aral are creepily alike, if aral had a normal job. right down to the bisexuality, or so i suspect.) best of luck, dira: you wrote a story that literally gave me something to get thru the days last summer when my life totally fell apart, and i am so sure you can do this brilliantly too if you find your momentum :) btw, i fangirl you in much the way i fangirl herself. just so you know. *blushes* and i cannot wait for that new vorkosigan novel!!!

[dira]

I hope you won't mind too much that I've so slow to reply to this--I'm just a bit staggered and speechless at being compared to Herself. :)

But I definitely do understand feeling that way about the books, and I'm thrilled to have written something that was so important to you. Thank you!

Now we all just have to hang on until next November...