Just wanted to say that I'm really missing your weekly word count update. Hope you're doing well.

[dira]

Yeah, I, uh… yeah, I am not doing well. 

I mean, I’m okay. Things are not bad, really. You should not spend a lot of time being concerned about me, is what I am trying to say, both because it’s not really necessary and because I honestly do not have the wherewithal to deal with causing people to have feelings or reactions outside of my actual fiction right now. 

(Uh, I am also only intermittently able to deal with causing people to have feelings in response to my fiction, so… sorry if I am more scattershot than usual in replying to comments. I love them! I just… can’t, with the production of words, all the time.)

But with that said, I am slowly getting a grip on the fact that the word for the last seven months of being tired and worried and sad and unproductive and sometimes thinking it’s fine now, I’m fine, but really I’m still not fine even if some hours or days or weeks are better than others, is… depression. 

Like. I want to disclaim that it’s not that bad, or I’m not sure, or point to all the causes in my life outside my brain, as if that somehow disproves that something significant has been happening inside my brain for half a year now, but… I’m still pretty sure “depression” is the word for it. 

And I’m already looking into what to do about that, exactly, and how, but in the meantime I’m spending a lot of time being tired and worried and sad and not very productive. I’ve quit some of my WIPs in the way that other people might give themselves an impulsive haircut, because I have been having a real hard time for a while now feeling happy or enthusiastic about stories that I used to be happy and enthusiastic about (and, believe you me, asking which WIPs will not make me feel MORE happy and enthusiastic about whichever one you’re rooting for). 

That also means that one of the most obvious measures of how I’m doing is my word counts, and that makes my word counts pretty hard to talk about right now. 

But I’m trying to get the hang of telling people about this, so. That’s the answer: I’m not doing so well, but I’m working on it. And–genuinely–thanks for reaching out and giving me a nudge to say so.

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Comments

[staranise]

Oh, I'm glad you've figured it out. I've noticed a bit of a change lately. I'm sorry--depression sucks--and I totally understand if you have to really rearrange your priorities to get better.

[gingicat]

Best wishes. Just remember that depression will lie to you in the worst way possible.

[ratcreature]

I hope things (under whatever label) will look up for you sooner rather than later, and that fandom engagement, whether writing or otherwise will be more fun and less of an added pressure again.

[beccaelizabeth]

:(
good luck and good thoughts

[kass]

Oh, my dear. I am so sorry. Depression SUCKS.

Be gentle with yourself. I send love.

[rmc28]

I'm sorry you're not doing well, and I wish you the very best with working on it.

Solidarity in facing the brain weasels.

[jetpack_monkey]

Depression is a mofo, because it tells you that you're the problem when you're not. Thinking about you and hoping you find some bright spots.

[sineala]

*offers a lot of hugs*

[gwyn]

I am really sorry you're going through this, especially since I know what it's like and it's hellish. It makes your note the other day, with the thing about my fic, even more generous to have shared that with me. I'm over here in the corner, rooting for you.

[lomedet]

Brains can be jerks. Depression is a lying liar that lies. I offer Jedi hugs and tea and a place next to me in my pillow fort, if you want.

[were_duck]

much love to you, friend <3

[nestra]

Sorry. Depression is exhausting and stupid.

[cathexys]

all the love and i hope you find something that works for you!!!

[renenet]

*hugs* and *love* and stuff! I'm glad you're getting a handle on the situation. Best wishes!

[theshadowpanther]

*hugs* Coming to terms with having depression is a huge effort in of itself, as well as deciding to do something about it. I'm not going to say anything like "Feel better soon!" or "Fake it 'til you make it" because those do NOT help in any way.

Instead, I'll just say that you do you, at the pace you can handle, and the hardest part of depression (for me): try not to beat yourself up about what you're feeling. You're feeling like this for a reason (or several), and you'll find out that reason when it's time. In the meantime, please don't rush yourself, and know that you are not alone, every one of us is here with you. If ever you feel up to opening up about your experience with depression, just send me a PM and I will listen and validate you, and even give you advice from my own continuing experience if that's what you want. If you don't, I will send you virtual love and understanding, no judgment on my end ever.

(Too bad I can't send you a Sam Wilson, we all need one of those in our lives.)

[minoanmiss]

*hugs you a lot*

[krait]

Good to hear from you, though I'm sorry to hear the reason for your quietness. I hope you continue to hang in there and work on it, however fast or slow the "working on it" may go!

[reginagiraffe]

*hugstight*

I hope you get what you need to make things get better, whether that's drugs or a nice person to talk to or more sunlight or whatever.

Don't worry about us; we'll still be here when you get back.

[kouredios]

Hugs and solidarity. So much of both.

[fairestcat]

*all the hugs*

[minim_calibre]

May things improve for you. Depression's a nasty fucker.

[sassbandit]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I'm sending you good thoughts.

[schneefink]

Good luck fighting depression!

[weevil]

This week I was listening to your Jigsaw playlist and thinking that it's time for my periodic note to say that you have been bringing me joy since Hawks and Hands, and that I continue to lurk and read many of your stories. Your presence on this Earth is a Good, whether you are writing or not. Be well.

[riverlight]

::hugs:: and love to you, darling.

[ambersnake]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know next to nothing about the specifics of depression, but hopefully being able to give a name to your lows will help. Your fics have brought me so much joy over the years that I really wish I could do something in return for you now, but I guess that's not how chemical imbalances work. Glad to hear you're working on in, though, and my best wishes you find what works for you.

[resonant]

I'm sending you my best wishes and big imaginary hugs.

[sheafrotherdon]

It takes a lot of courage to name something as pervasive and exhausting as depression. I'm really proud of you for writing all of this, and for naming what you need (and don't need). Depression sucks, and I'm sorry you're in the throes of it. Sending love ♥

[lovelokest]

*hugs*

[anoyo]

One thing we always tell clients: don't judge your feelings based on anyone else's. Everyone has their own limits, feelings, and manners of coping. Just because person A gets depression because their mom killed their dad and then killed herself (extreme example) doesn't mean their depression is any "worse" than yours. Everything is relative. What makes you upset is just as important as what makes A upset. Don't try to downsell your feelings because they aren't a result of something you feel should be the cause of them.

THAT SAID, I'm glad you're able to talk about it and work on it, and here's to hoping that it continually gets better.

[lannamichaels]

Sympathy. Depression sucks :(

[stultiloquentia]

Like. I want to disclaim that it’s not that bad, or I’m not sure, or point to all the causes in my life outside my brain, as if that somehow disproves that something significant has been happening inside my brain for half a year now, but…

Relatable. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I'd understood the term "situational depression" in grad school.

Good luck and courage, friend. <3

[the_shoshanna]

Congratulations on naming what it is you've been struggling with. I hope the clouds lift soon, and I send good thoughts to you.

[sperrywink]

Belated go you and wishes for improvement through whatever means that takes.

Depression is such an insidious thing making you feel like a whiner when it is crippling you.

[indywind]

My sympathies, both on the depression and the related wordcount woes.
I'm rooting for you.