Mar. 17th, 2018

dira: Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier (Default)
Yeah, I, uh… yeah, I am not doing well. 

I mean, I’m okay. Things are not bad, really. You should not spend a lot of time being concerned about me, is what I am trying to say, both because it’s not really necessary and because I honestly do not have the wherewithal to deal with causing people to have feelings or reactions outside of my actual fiction right now. 

(Uh, I am also only intermittently able to deal with causing people to have feelings in response to my fiction, so… sorry if I am more scattershot than usual in replying to comments. I love them! I just… can’t, with the production of words, all the time.)

But with that said, I am slowly getting a grip on the fact that the word for the last seven months of being tired and worried and sad and unproductive and sometimes thinking it’s fine now, I’m fine, but really I’m still not fine even if some hours or days or weeks are better than others, is… depression. 

Like. I want to disclaim that it’s not that bad, or I’m not sure, or point to all the causes in my life outside my brain, as if that somehow disproves that something significant has been happening inside my brain for half a year now, but… I’m still pretty sure “depression” is the word for it. 

And I’m already looking into what to do about that, exactly, and how, but in the meantime I’m spending a lot of time being tired and worried and sad and not very productive. I’ve quit some of my WIPs in the way that other people might give themselves an impulsive haircut, because I have been having a real hard time for a while now feeling happy or enthusiastic about stories that I used to be happy and enthusiastic about (and, believe you me, asking which WIPs will not make me feel MORE happy and enthusiastic about whichever one you’re rooting for). 

That also means that one of the most obvious measures of how I’m doing is my word counts, and that makes my word counts pretty hard to talk about right now. 

But I’m trying to get the hang of telling people about this, so. That’s the answer: I’m not doing so well, but I’m working on it. And–genuinely–thanks for reaching out and giving me a nudge to say so.

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dira: Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier (Default)
Dira Sudis

April 2019

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