dira | (no subject)

brooklinegirl needed a bedtime story, so I wrote her one, in which Ray has some valuable expertise to share with his partner.

It's not that Ray doesn't like the sex.

Duh.

The sex is great. The sex is as good as everything else about him and Fraser together.

And maybe this is just a thing that guys do different, and Ray just has to get used to it. He's pretty sure Fraser's done the guy-thing more than he has--not that they talk about it much, because the talking, which has never been all that great, has taken a backseat to the sex--so he follows Fraser's lead on this.

But it's getting to be kinda weird. Because this is a love thing, not just a sex thing, they've agreed on that, and yet he and Fraser only touch when they're fucking, now.

He knows they have to be careful at work, he gets that. So maybe it's better to touch less than they used to, just in case. Yeah. Sure, Frannie wants to know why they're fighting. And it's weird, reaching out thoughtlessly to pat Fraser's shoulder, and seeing that scared look flash through his eyes and having to yank his hand back. He's never done so much stretching and fiddling with his hair.

But even in the safety of Ray's apartment, with the doors locked and the blinds closed and nobody to see them but Dief, who's taken to hiding under the kitchen table lately, still they don't touch except to kiss and yank clothes off and stroke and grab and suck and fuck. Still sometimes Ray reaches out a hand and Fraser's eyes get wary. And he doesn't want to not touch, not when there's no good reason not to, so he turns every touch into a suggestion, slides his fingers down Fraser's throat and through his hair, and the sex mostly makes him forget that all he really wanted to do was squeeze Fraser's shoulder.

But one night, in front of some public television special about ice and rocks with the occasional tree thrown in to keep viewers coming back for more, Ray starts getting sleepy and leans sideways against Fraser, and the shoulder under his head goes as hard as glacier-scraped bedrock, and in the spot where exhaustion and serious irritation meet, Ray gets it.

Fraser's nervous.

Fraser's acting like a blushing virgin around him - not when they're having sex, but all the other times they touch. Because Fraser gets the sex part, but he doesn't know what he's doing now, on the couch fully clothed and too tired to fuck.

Ray sits up and grabs the remote, turning off the TV in the middle of the narrator's sentence about something boring and cold, and in the corner of his eye he sees Fraser tensing up more. "We're not going to talk, if that's what you're thinking," Ray says. "We're going to cuddle."

Fraser's staring at him like he's started speaking in an alien language, except he looks so scared Ray knows he knows what Ray just said. Well, scared for Fraser. His posture is very very perfect, and he tugs at his collar and smooths his eyebrow. "Ray," he says, "I'm sorry, it's been a very long day. Perhaps I should--"

"No dice, Fraser. Cuddling is low impact. Way low impact-er than walking back to the Consulate. Just sit still." He can actually see Fraser tensing up more, and wants to rub his shoulders, except non-sexy massage is the advanced class, the rocket science of touching-without-fucking. Ray is just hoping he can get Fraser through the remedial course before he falls asleep, because this is important. If he dozes off in the middle of it, Fraser will probably disappear on him, and tell him it's just not working over the phone. From Canada.

"Fraser, calm down--look, I didn't know what I was doing the first time we fucked, right? And you walked me through it. So now I'm gonna return the favor, okay? You're the fucking expert, I'm the cuddling expert." Fraser's shoulders shake a little, and Ray realizes he's trying not to laugh--at Ray, no doubt, because Christ, what is he saying? His mouth is on autopilot--but it's such a relief that Ray really does laugh. Fraser cracks a smile, and some of the tension goes out of him, and Ray thinks he can at least touch Fraser without him jumping right off the couch, so he gives it a whirl.

He sets his hand on Fraser's arm, just below the elbow, and Fraser's watching his face, staring, and Ray knows that look, he's seen it on rooftops and in the middle of firefights. Fraser's waiting for a signal, waiting for the plan to come together. Knows if he doesn't get this right it could all go to hell. Ray feels his own smile tense up, because Fraser is just not getting it, and he thinks that maybe slow and steady isn't the way to do this. Maybe he's giving Fraser way too much time to think.

Ray rolls up onto his knees, then, moving quick, manhandling Fraser down into a slouch against the end of the couch, spreading his legs apart, and he sees the flicker in Fraser's eyes--startled, but relieved, because he thinks he knows where this is going, thinks he knows what it means to get horizontal, to spread legs. Ray can't help grinning at that, because Fraser's got another think coming.

Ray lunges past Fraser to turn off the lamp, so it's almost dark, just the chili pepper lights and the neon from the street to see by. Probably seems bright as day to Fraser, still. Ray's tempted to kiss Fraser, then, leaning over him, and Fraser's mouth turns up toward him, but no, no, no. He has a plan. A good plan.

He smiles and shakes his head, and then turns again and drops neatly into the space he made for himself, his hips between Fraser's legs, leaning back against Fraser's chest. Fraser holds perfectly still under him, almost holding his breath, but Ray ignores that, pulling Fraser's arms around himself, making himself at home. He moves around, shoving his shoulders and elbows into Fraser's body, because that's what Fraser gets if he's just going to sit there like a lump, until he's completely comfortable. Ray leans his head back against Fraser's shoulder, then turns, so his forehead is against Fraser's throat, and then, pointedly, he yawns.

He shifts a little, again, wriggling, until he's just about to tip himself off the couch, and then, finally, Fraser's arms actually tighten in place around him, and Fraser's leg shifts under his ass to tip him back into place, and Ray grins.

Fraser's always been a quick learner.

"Put your head down," Ray mutters, mostly into Fraser's shirt, but Fraser's got good ears, too, and he leans his head down, til Ray can feel Fraser's cheek against the top of his head. He tightens his arms around Fraser's, shifts around one last time, and goes still. "M'gonna fall asleep now," Ray mutters. "The first rule of cuddling is don't wake the other guy up, okay?"

"Ah," Fraser says, "So I should..."

"Stay right where you are," Ray finishes.

He's really actually almost asleep when Fraser starts to hum, softly, and he can sort of hear the sound in Fraser's chest and sort of feel it against the top of his head, and Ray pats the first part of Fraser he can reach. An elbow, but he thinks Fraser's got the idea now. "That's good," he whispers, "extra credit."

Fraser stops humming just long enough to press a kiss against Ray's ear, and then he starts again. Ray falls asleep with a smile on his face, and the satisfaction of a job well done.