dira | (no subject)

pearl_o broke RayK in Cold Dirty Deep.

brooklinegirl said he wasn't fixable.

The Triumph of Experience

"It's been said, more than once, that second marriages are the triumph of hope over experience."

Ray closed his eyes and did not look up at Fraser, did not even think about asking how the fuck Fraser had found him. "Yeah, well, if you came all this way to tell me hope didn't work out, you wasted your time. I know."

"Mm," Fraser said, and then, "Hope having failed, however, one might fall back upon--experience."

Ray did look up then, but he couldn't read Fraser's face, except that he looked like he'd just flown a fuck of a long way for nothing. It hurt, in a dull, scarred-up way, to see Fraser unhappy, so Ray looked away again. "Experience," he repeated, because the word was echoing in his ears.

"About a month, you said, and then Stella gave you an ultimatum, and you remained faithful to her for the rest of your marriage."

That hurt worse, way worse, so much he couldn't breathe, scars ripping open. "It's been way more than a month."

"Well, I wanted to make sure you took my point," Fraser said, and Ray's jaw dropped as he looked up again. Fraser looked away this time, adding, "And I was angry. In any case, when I spoke to Ray Vecchio, it seemed clear--"

Ray's fists were clenched, half for Fraser, half for the memory of that glorious stupid end-of-the-world fight that maybe--Jesus it hurt to think it, but that's what Fraser was doing here, it had to be--maybe hadn't been the end of the world after all. The best he could say it in words was, "That's fucking mean, Fraser."

Fraser smiled a little, a tight closed-off expression that said the joke was probably on both of them. "Yes. Sometimes I am fucking mean," he said, precisely, like he was reading out regulations. "That is what you now know about me. Sometimes you are criminally careless with other people's hearts. That is what I now know about you. What I do not know is whether, my point being made, you are willing to spend the next several years being careful."

Ray said, "I don't know either," and Fraser just nodded, like that was the answer he'd expected. He didn't move, and Ray started pacing, hands opening and closing with every stride.

It was a hell of a come-down from riding off into the sunset in search of adventure and all that bullshit they'd started out with, but at least all the cards were on the table now. And he could be careful enough--he'd proved it before. By the end, Stella wanted out because Ray was being a little too faithful, and if Fraser got tired of him like she had... "Several years," Ray said. "Not forever?"

"Forever is a matter of hope," Fraser said quietly, and Ray nodded again. It wasn't going to be like it had been before, but it would be a hell of a lot better than this. Ray looked at Fraser and all he wanted was to go home.

"Yeah," he said, "Yeah, what the hell."

***

...and

pearl_o continues the story...